I subbed in a kindergarten class the other day, and as I looked at the sweet faces of the very tired children (on the 22nd day of school they are practically still big preschoolers), I thought about how quickly life will move for them…how quickly life has moved for me.
This morning, I pored over some old photo albums on a friend’s Facebook page. The albums were from almost four years ago. The face in several pictures belongs to a young man who is no longer living. In four years, much has changed for all of us. What was on “The Five-Year Plan” of people five years ago? I am pretty sure that five years ago that young friend wasn’t thinking “kill myself” would be on his short list. Life changed somewhere in there.
Wow! How did I get here? I just didn’t see any of it coming! Since I’m working on a book that will cover parts of the five years, I won’t address some of it too closely here. But…life has changed. I can tell you that I didn’t plan on any of it.
My life has dramatically changed over the past five years.
I am happy in my life. I am not where I once thought I might be, but I am right where I need to be. I cry. I get angry. I laugh. I am almost always smiling. In my heart, I feel peace that I am not in control and don’t have to be in control. I have sunk into suicidal moments and finally have climbed to a comfortable resting place in the safety of a family and small group of friends who love, accept me, and won’t let me leave. Luckily, I don’t sink so far down anymore. I am taking care of myself. I have found that there is a place I can share my experience, strength, and hope, and I can hear about others’, too. My mother has been the rock I could never have imagined her capable of being. My husband has been more than I can find words to describe, as he has shouldered grief, disappointment, all mixed with joy and hope. My sons are amazingly resilient and growing. My deepest desire for them is that they find joy in life and peace within their hearts and heads. (The head is a dangerous place to dwell for very long)
I write this blog because I have so much to say that I believe can benefit others.
I write this blog because I am not afraid to say what others think but won’t speak.
I write this blog because I find healing in it.
I write this blog because…
When you feel frustrated that life isn’t going as you thought it would, when you feel scared that life isn’t going as you thought it was supposed to, or when you feel angry that life just is not doing what you told it to do…trust. You will land where you should.
When I subbed for that kindergarten class the other day, I looked into their sweet and tired faces and thought about how fast life is going to go for them, but I decided to keep it to myself.