I subbed in a kindergarten class the other day, and as I looked at the sweet faces of the very tired children (on the 22nd day of school they are practically still big preschoolers), I thought about how quickly life will move for them…how quickly life has moved for me.
This morning, I pored over some old photo albums on a friend’s Facebook page. The albums were from almost four years ago. The face in several pictures belongs to a young man who is no longer living. In four years, much has changed for all of us. What was on “The Five-Year Plan” of people five years ago? I am pretty sure that five years ago that young friend wasn’t thinking “kill myself” would be on his short list. Life changed somewhere in there.
Wow! How did I get here? I just didn’t see any of it coming! Since I’m working on a book that will cover parts of the five years, I won’t address some of it too closely here. But…life has changed. I can tell you that I didn’t plan on any of it.
My life has dramatically changed over the past five years.
I am happy in my life. I am not where I once thought I might be, but I am right where I need to be. I cry. I get angry. I laugh. I am almost always smiling. In my heart, I feel peace that I am not in control and don’t have to be in control. I have sunk into suicidal moments and finally have climbed to a comfortable resting place in the safety of a family and small group of friends who love, accept me, and won’t let me leave. Luckily, I don’t sink so far down anymore. I am taking care of myself. I have found that there is a place I can share my experience, strength, and hope, and I can hear about others’, too. My mother has been the rock I could never have imagined her capable of being. My husband has been more than I can find words to describe, as he has shouldered grief, disappointment, all mixed with joy and hope. My sons are amazingly resilient and growing. My deepest desire for them is that they find joy in life and peace within their hearts and heads. (The head is a dangerous place to dwell for very long)
I write this blog because I have so much to say that I believe can benefit others.
I write this blog because I am not afraid to say what others think but won’t speak.
I write this blog because I find healing in it.
I write this blog because…
When you feel frustrated that life isn’t going as you thought it would, when you feel scared that life isn’t going as you thought it was supposed to, or when you feel angry that life just is not doing what you told it to do…trust. You will land where you should.
When I subbed for that kindergarten class the other day, I looked into their sweet and tired faces and thought about how fast life is going to go for them, but I decided to keep it to myself.
Joy is the will which labors, which overcomes obstacles, which knows triumph.~ William Butler Yeats
Whether you think you can or think you can’t you’re right. - Henry Ford
The best way out is always through. ~ Robert Frost
Real difficulties can be overcome, it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable. ~ Theodore N. Vail
Success consists of getting up just one more time than you fall. ~ Oliver Goldsmith
You must be the change you want to see in the world. - Mahatma Gandhi
Susan, read your 5-years-ago description of yourself with new eyes. I am so happy to know THIS you, at this time. You are so spectacular, and so special, and so smart, and so open and loving and giving. I love who you have become, and frankly, are becoming. Your husband is lucky, your sons are lucky, your mother is lucky, and your friends, and I’m in that small group (what a rush), are very, very lucky to have you be Our Susan in our lives!
I am not where I was, nor was it necessarily the best place to be. I am much more comfortable in my skin today. I. love. you.
I know it can be helpful to look at where you’ve been, and where you are now. You’ve said it in such a meaningful way. (I’m trying to figure out how Gayle’s comment was logged at 5:20 pm, Sept. 20. 2012. My computer just now reads 12:59 pm on the same date.) That aside, you have always been a sweet and beautiful (inside and out) person and I’m so thankful to be sharing these years since we both grew each other up. I love so much!!
Now, why is your picture showing on my comment?
This is so funny. I am guessing my mother is replying, and I was on her computer not long ago.
I needed to read this today; I’ve been dealing with depression and all that for awhile now myself. Reading this gives me hope! Thanks so much for sharing, and congrats on finding peace in your life! 🙂
It really is something you have to take one day at a time.
Wonderfully put and beautifully shared. I would have never thought of you as having a “down” moment; guess it just shows that we all can have those moments or periods from time to time. Your happy smile encourages me and makes me smile every time I see it. Thanks for being such a caring and loving person.
It was hard for me to be able to accept that I had down moments, to be honest. I finally came to see that it’s just part of who I am, and other people, too. I just knew that I couldn’t allow it to define me…because I really am a happy, smiling, caring person. Thank you for always loving me.